Guidance for Marriage Alliance
(Guidance for young Indian boys ( Guys)and girls who have passed out high
School and have entered college or have
graduated and are looking for marriage alliance (finding a life partner ) with a suitable eligible girl or boy (Guy)
respectively.)
Hindu
marriage literally means the ceremony of ‘carrying away’ the bride to the house
of the groom. Hindu Marriage is different from the institution of marriage in
other societies. According to Prabhu,” Hindu Vivaha (marriage) is, in essence,
a ritual and a formality, of course, very important through which an individual
has to go, to be able to start his other life in Grihasthasrama. The meaning of
vivaha refers mainly to the ceremony of ‘carrying away’ the bride to the house of
the bridegroom. But since long it has come to refer to the whole of ceremony or
wedlock.
According
to K.M. Kapadia,
“Hindu marriage is a socially
approved union of man and a woman aiming at dharma, procreation, sexual
pleasure and observance of certain social obligations”.
It is
through marriage that relation between man and woman is socially recognised.
In
America marriage is defined as below
Definition marriage is a relationship within which
sexual inter-course is legitimate. In general, a woman who cohabits with a man
has a legitimate status in relation to that man only if she is known to be
married to him.
In India after one gets married you get a life partner.
Though there is provision for divorce but it is sparingly used as after living together,
the love and cooperation between couple develops with each side adjusting
mutually to their job condition and family circumstances.
However , In India also where couple have chosen the partner without guidance from and
acceptance from parents of both parties, the frequency of divorces has
increased, as these marriages or not love marriages as commonly called but
marriage of convenience as the couple chooses partner without any guidance from
experienced person ,thinking that they are mature enough to select their life partner, because of this factor
out of registered five marriages in
Mumbai , two out of five have been divorced within last five years.
Part I
Need for early marriage:
In America the young
boys and girls consider the marriage as their personal field in which they do
not want any interference from parents or elders. So when Parents say to their
sons are daughters of marriageable age that get a job and get married and be settled
in life, the sons and specially daughters ask their parents, is it only the
purpose of life to get married produce off springs only and not to look after
our careers and future. The parents generally say you get a life time partner
to share your grief and pleasure add to help each other specially in old age
you need for a partner and a protector throughout your life. Those girls who do
not care or heed to their parents advice to settle early, occasionally remain
unmarried as they cross the age of 30 years and then are unable to find a suitable
match as most of the boys or guys liked by them get married by that time and no suitable boy is available to match their
qualifications and financial position and status. This gives need to write this
paper as marriage guide
In fact the
young boys and girls of 2nd or 3rd generation , have been brought up by parents who grew up in Indian culture where there was no system of
boys and girl to come in contact with each other, there being no coeducation in India in
general, therefore they had very little
contacts to go for love marriage or self arranged marriage, though in recent
past a change has already set in big
cities of India where boys and girls are themselves selecting their partner and
marrying with or without consent of their parents and this has resulted in divorce of two couples out of five registered marriages as
has been recently reported in Times of
India Mumbai ,for marriages registered in
Mumbai.
The system of going in for living in together before
marriage somehow does not appeal to elders , and I am personally aware of cases where this has
failed in producing matrimony in most of the cases and if it did then they
remained childless as very late marriages were solemnized.
As there is coeducation here in America, there is no
difficulty in mixing and playing and having boy and girl friends from the
beginning.
The marriages outside caste or between two
nationalities or between two Indians or two Americans of different origin has
been now been generally accepted in modern society but of course their results
are being watched with care and caution.
Marriage between boys and girl of different religions are also being
held but these are sometimes seen to cause problems to their parents and mostly
to their children.
There is no time or age limit fixed for marriages fixed
by law of land or by and now even old custom that boy should be older than girl
are not considered essential .But there are merits to the age old custom, that bride groom is older than bride and
this custom has been followed in every race.
Now there is
example of President of France who had been motivated to marry his teacher who
is about more than 15 years older than
him , He married while was only 20 years of age which is a typical case of
successful love marriage
Well this aspect is individual consideration for boys
and girls. Some people prefer mental beauty over bodily looks of both sexes. So
keeping this in view and it may take an instant to two to three years to decide
and choose a right partner, the boys/ girls may start thinking in this
direction for getting a suitable life partner for marriage from age of 25 for
boys and 22 years for girls so that they get married as soon as they complete
graduation and settle in Jobs.
It is considered opinion of many elders, that boys/
girls may start thinking about this aspect,
a year or two , after entering
the college. As usually the tradition in
most social systems is that boy proposes to girl and not vice versa, girls
should search their would be partner from those generally who , are in third or final year but wait till boy
is settled in Job and similarly the boys may think of selecting some girls from which to pick up
bride from those girls who are junior in age or class to him.
Those girls a
who are planning to do post graduation courses before seeking jobs have to
decide when and at which stage they
should start the search keeping the age, at which they want to marry after getting employment .The
reasonable agefor boys would be less than thirty and for girls less than 27.It
has been observed that girls who cross age of thirty remain single, and boys
crossing age of thirty have difficulty in getting a match of their liking.
All above does
not mean that they should not take advice from their parents and not consider
the girls/ boys proposed by their parents and elders. The boys and girls are
advised to listen to their parents and go in for arranged marriages by parents
if the partner selected by them meets their
requirements.
If they have some partner in mind they should tell in
advance to their parents so that they may not settle
marriage in ignorance and make it
an issue afterwards.
.
I have discussed
this problem with other grandparents also
and found that there is no
literature available here to guide boys and girls of Indian origin
Their parents
and their friends have no experience in this field of arranging
marriages of sons and daughters in USA being married in Indian traditions
in view the modern thinking of different countries and
the generation gap which has brought many new traditions.
Time to marry.
According to
law of land minimum age for both boys and girls are fixed mostly as 21 years
for boys and 18 years for girls. No upper limit of age has been fixed for marriages.
Law of land does not require that everybody has to marry.
A girl should also keep
in mind that the best fertile period for a girl is approximately between
22 to 30 years and therefore the recommended age is 22 to 27 years. The maximum
difference between boy and girls age is recommended to be 10years and
preferable is 2 to 3years.
It is
again stressed that the best period to meet the life partner is considered to
be college though they also have opportunities in festivals, in parties held by parents
and friends, in places of worship, and in picnics and fairs etc which should be
utilized to know each other and make friends with each other for selecting a
suitable partner All
the above avenues are necessary for them to interact and get an opportunity to
meet the right person as life partner. I would also like to add that
matrimonial agencies are also doing a good job though one must find a good and
reliable one.
.
It has to be remembered that prime beauty of girls also
starts to lose its charm, beauty and attraction
after attaining age of 25 years though a married girls becomes more and more
charming after age of 25 or so. .
As usually the tradition in most social systems , is
that boy proposes to girl and not vice versa
girls should search, their would be partner from those who generally
are in third or final year but wait till boy is settled in Job and
similarly it is advisable the boys may
think of selecting a girl for bride , from girls junior in age and class to
him.
Education of Girls
It has to be remembered
by girls that they can pursue their ambition for higher or professional
education even after marriage with support of Husband and it is not necessary
to be in Job before marriage. If girls pursue for higher and higher education
even for professional course then they will them self land themselves in a
difficult position to find a suitable match for them with similar or higher qualification
as boys want generally want to settle in job just after graduation in some
professional course and then marry as soon as they are 26 or 27 and very few wait beyond 29th.So keeping in view this
aspect they should take up a suitable job and marry at an appropriate age and complete their
ambitions of higher education after
their marriage. This aspect is also to be considered by their
parents.
Other points to be considered for choosing a life
partner
The boys
and girls should be aware that despite many cultural similarities, Indian Americans
in the US are not a homogenous block. They belong to various linguistic
communities like Punjabis, Gujaratis, Tamilians, Bengalis etc and follow
different religions like Hinduism, Sikhism, Christianity and Islam.. Indian
American populations traditionally tended to concentrate in regions with warmer
climates like California and New Jersey The US states with the largest Indian
American population in order are California, New York, New Jersey, Texas and Illinois.
The
most common meeting grounds among young Indian Americans are community events
where there is a large congregation of prospective partners from similar
cultural and linguistic backgrounds. Festivals, marriages and religious
celebrations are some of the occasions when young Indian Americans can meet and
get to know each other. Very often community events organized in places of
worship like temples and gurudwaras also
function as important venues for checking out girls or guys in the community.
Boys and girls
should know, what are , would
be life partners values in life and
their strong likes and dislikes in each aspect of life.?”
(1)It is good to find a partner having same religion
and of Indian origin. Most important is one should be compatible andtwo
families should have same values, be agreeable. IfVegetarian a person who is vegetarian
or a person whowill allow you to remain vegetarian will suite better.
(2) The second choice is to
have a boy / girl from different religion/area with solid back ground, and
family values. It should be emphasized that over 50% of the marriages in this
country end in divorce, some in bitter court battles. Once divorced, this
stigma/ medal you carry to your grave.
As such as far as possible Inter racial marriage
be avoided. Hindu and Muslims
marriages are generally not successful and should be avoided. However Euro women if agreeable to adopt boys religion and customs may give lasting
marriage. But euro men are not suitable for girls of Indian origin and their
marriages usually end in divorce after about five years.
And
therefore to be avoided.
Marriage with other races usually create many
problems and therefore are not recommended as it causes for parents and
children. The details why inter racial marriages should not be performed are
given below
10. Far away from family.
9. Loss of holiday traditions.
8. Cultural misunderstandings
7. What if we divorce?
6. Learning the
language. other’s language
5. It takes a lot of work. Marriage in general can be a lot of work.
However, international marriages take just that little bit more
4. Never completely at home
3.-In tolerance due to cultural differences-------
2. Airplane flights are expensive to go to spouses
homes.
1. At least one
set of grandparents is always far away. And here is one more general question: Where
will we be buried when we die? Will it be in the country that we live in now?
Or in our country of origin
Part
II
How
to arrange Marriage
1.
Arranged Marriages.
(a)Old System. The parents find a suitable match from
enquiries made from relations and acquaintances for a suitable match for their
daughters and approach the bridegrooms parents and after matching the Janam
Kundalies settle the marriage of boys
and girls with mutual consent.The boys and girls have generally no say
of suitable match.
(b)Modernised System
.
Matrimonial advertisements are given in news papers for
both boys and girls parents for selection
of suitable match. After finding a suitable match , they give both boy and girl opportunity to meet each
other and talk to each other for a short time or allow them to go to some
places together and after obtaining their consent settle their marriages. Now a
days they consult marriage buiro’s or matrimonial Agencies where both boys and
girls parents or guardians give their biodata including details of boy or
girl including the job and salary
details and then paying necessary
charges you get details of required matches and then you correspond or talk on
phone and parents let boy and girl meet other etc. Some times boys and girls
are permitted to give their advertisements them self and find out suitable life
partner and then parents see boy/girl and settle marriage.
How to take help from matrimonial sites?
There are different sites available in USA and India You
have to choose site according to your choise and requirements.
Some agencies send you a list of suitable candidates and
also help in arrange interviews and help in settling marriages.
2.
Settlement by boys and Girls ( So called Love Marriages)
These
are essentially marriages of convenience and are settled by boys and girls by
making boy /girl friends, by mutual consent and after boy proposes to girl in a
formal manner the boys and girl marry in a court or with mutual consent of
parents marry in normal way of arranged marriage observing full customs.
This
is done by two methods
1.
By
approaching a guy or a girl whom you like but are not formally introduced. Or
to get introduced by a common friend or acquaintance. In
this both boys and girls should find details about each other from their face
book or office or other bio data available on Google sites and remaining data by asking relevant questions in a manner not
to hurt the opposite party. Girls in general are curious creatures, and guys are the
biggest mystery. Even if you ask them these questions, they’ll probably
shrug it off or give the general, “I don’t know” or “You wouldn’t
understand.” Guys and girls will never fully understand each other, and
may be it’s just inappropriate to actually ask, but here are some questions as
given in Annexure A and B for boys and girls These questions may be asked at
time of dating.
The annexures shall be supplied on demand
only
2.By approaching dating sites for selection
of life partner and who may also guide you how to approach and ask relevant
questions.
Indian Dating in USA -
Matchmaking
The popularity of campus life is reflected
in the number of Indian Student Associations which not only help new arrivals
to adjust to life in a new country but also offers a platform of all young
people who share the same ethnic identity.
Today
Indian Americans enjoy greater freedom than ever in making personal choices.
But no matter how they meet, date and marry, a relationship still remains one
of the most important decisions in their lives, to be entered after careful
consideration and thought.
Should he be a vegetarian? This is the first question that makes me
pause. Before it, Jasbina Ahluwalia has asked me for a boatload of information
that feels comically foreign.
Does the religion of my
future husband matter? Must he be Indian? From a particular region? No, no, no,
I laugh, feeling modern and flippant. But vegetarianism? I do not know? It’s a sign of liberal, possibly crunchy
values, healthfulness. Sure, I say. That’d be nice. At last, I’ve narrowed the
pool.
In fact, out of all Asian-Americans, Indian-Americans are the
most likely to marry someone of their ethnicity — only 10 percent marry outside
of their race,. The famous website Shaadi.com — literally Marriage.com — is
officially passé
Guys
and girls will never fully understand each other, and maybe it’s just
inappropriate to actually ask, but here are some questions I, and probably many
other girls, would love to get some true answers to…so I got them. From
the perspective of real guys, here’s a sneak peek into a male
1.
The purpose of dating is to marry.
If you’re too young to marry, you’re likely
too young to date. The only repercussion of dating is
perhaps a broken heart.
2. Date too long, even if you sincerely love each other, and you
open yourself up to a lot of temptation. In fact, perhaps even
because you seriously love each other. All those legitimate feelings have
nowhere to go, because you can’t marry yet.
3. When you date a lot, you often leave same-sex friendships by
the wayside, and these are the years that you need to learn how to be a good
friend.
4. Similarly, if you date a lot, you may decline other
important things, like going on missions trips, or taking
jobs, or doing some ministry you might love
The End of Article by Avdhesh
Kumar Mathur
Super Senior Resident of
America and Citizen of India
E mail id akm1934@gmail.com
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